Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’