Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
16: ‘We should put a flat screen on the wall!’
Wife: ‘I really don’t like mounting things.’
Me: *mumbles ‘No shit.’
W: ‘What was that??’
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!