Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
A wise man once said if you understand why pizza is round, placed in a square box, and eaten as a triangle you will also understand falling victim to reading a long meaningless tweet and then share it in hopes of making someone else a victim of the tweeters cruel game.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used