Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
Interviewer: says here you have been roofing your entire life
Dog: that is correct
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.