Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Inventor of balloons: You know what this party needs? Rubber balls filled with my breath
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil