Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras
Her: I’m hungry. If you loved me you’d give me breakfast in bed 😉
Me: *hands her my emergency poptart from my pillowcase* only because ily
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol