[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.