Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
Me: The wedding cake is a stack of 50 pancakes I have frosted. Each layer represents people you slept with prior to meeti-*mic gets cut off*
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*