Just ran over my neighbors cat. In fairness, though, the damn thing probably thought he was safe when he made it to the porch.
Prom night for my 17 year old daughter, or as I like to call it, ‘Dad spends the evening sharpening his axe’ night.
I dont ‘scrub up’ like a surgeon after using the urinal because growing up, they taught us not to piss all over our hands n arms, you baboon
Vicodin and Scotch. When you absolutely, positively need to wake up underneath your neighbor’s swing-set.
Remember when you thought if you accidentally swallowed apple seeds, a tree would grow in your belly?
God I miss my ‘Thirties’….
Sometimes when I’m sad, I’ll go to the park and, from a distance, look thru my thumb and index finger and begin squishing people’s heads…
I just got smiled at by a lovely cashier who has plenty of teeth, but clearly only brushes her favorites.
I’m gonna go out on a limb and declare ‘Drugs’ the winner of the war on drugs.