Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
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Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
My birthstone is kidney
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate