My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I can never go to sleep without a bedtime story*
*listening to a Dateline podcast
8: When’s dad’s birthday?
Me: June 28
8: 2000 what?
Me: You mean 19…1984
8: 19? WOW
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
My niece told me there was a cute guy checking me out at the coffee shop. So naturally I kept my head down when I passed him and banged my elbow on the way out
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you