me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
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I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
[Commercial for hobbies]
Like drugs for people who don’t do drugs.
“HOBBIES”
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.