I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
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Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.