if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
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If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*
Imperial officer: What’s the password?
Han: It’s “password.”
Vader: We should really change that.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.