Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Is this the real life?
Is this just
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?