Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
You’ve been promoted to customer
#FireSomeonePolitely
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.