Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor