Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I think my kids feel the same dread when I get their report cards as I do when they hear me open up a bag of oreos
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[During a baby shower]
Me: Ooh I caught one
Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way