[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?