*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I removed Sean Connery’s limbs & replaced them with Daniel Craig’s arms & Pierce Brosnan’s legs. They formed an unlikely Bond.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.