Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.