A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
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6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
[last night]
*does dozens of squats to impress a cute guy at the gym*[this morning]
*takes half an hour to get down a flight of stairs*
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
still the best tweet of the year by far
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
dads on road-trips be like
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.