Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.