my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.