I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
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A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I couldn’t be a magician. I’d never be able to make something just vanish into thin air.
ALSO ME: I’m gonna put this in a safe place…
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Dishonest mechanic?
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?