ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
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Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
whoa, 4 ferrets stacked on top of one another wearing a trenchcoat!
“no, it’s me devin, from high school?”
wow ok you did not age well
I buy ribbed condoms, it makes my balloon Armadillos more realistic
Rich people in movies apparently can’t drink scotch without telling everyone how old it is.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
wishing you and yours all the best
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.