Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
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I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
HIM: I love reading big novels.
ME: No kidding, so do I!
*I whip out one of those oversized picture books they use in kindergarten*
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
We are at the stage with our 3 year old where every night features a greased pig contest where he gets naked and then tears around the house singing, “Run, Run, as fast as you can. You can’t catch me I’m the gingerbread man.”
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
(Electricians.)
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.