What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
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All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
I’m not proud
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race
Jesus: LOL
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.