Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
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Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
When someone tailgates me I let them know I’m angry and watching them, by putting the rear wipers on full speed
the chicken was already gone when I got here
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.