If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
“Constructive criticism” was invented by some tyrant as a way to say, “I’m going to upset you and you’re going to thank me.”
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.