apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
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my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
lol
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Succinctly put.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Smile Twitter, Smile.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows