If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.