My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.