[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
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If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Who called it a licence to own small amphibians and not Permit the Frog.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
They caught Tupacs killer 27 years later, so by all means, keep sending FB messages that say “hey” to the girl who rejected you in high school. There’s always hope
I wish cats came with a counter that told you what life they were on. Number 8 kitty? Maybe you need to work on that attitude.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.