There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.