Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators