my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing