I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Where is that goddamn asteroid already
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[at the auto parts store]
Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler
Counter Guy: What size engine
[looking at a house that’s for sale on a native american burial ground down the road from the abandoned 140 year old asylum]
Me: I’ll take it.
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know