I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
Hope my neighbors like my new pet howler monkeys
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
I need a fifth of Wild Turkey, some meth, three sticks of dynamite and a Bible. I’ll explain later.