Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
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Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
For International Women’s Day, I’d like to recognize my sister wife. Without her I’d have to manage my kids’ timeouts and nag my husband all by myself. Thank you, Alexa.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Murder of crows on trial according to the probable caws statement.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Don’t we all.
Officer: Sir, we have reports you’ve trained this bird to injure passersby.
Me: Ridiculous!
O: The pet’s name?
M: Paul the Attack Canary.