When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
Cashiers are always checking me out
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.