[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
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I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Never be a pizza!
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I still remember when my 10th grade English teacher told us we were going to have a special guest FOR WEEKS and then the special guest turned out to be him in a hat.
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
If you get a call from a telemarketer, give the phone to a child and tell them it’s #Santa.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
this isn’t threatening at all