HERE’S MARKY
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I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
TEETH IS INNOCENT
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
DATING TIP: Any time someone is hot and you’re too scared to approach them, remind yourself that they’ve probably had diarrhea at some point
“Would you rather eat a pound of bricks or a matter baby?” he asks.
“What’s a matter baby?” I ask.
I’m shown a newborn so dense the fabric of space-time sags in a deep gravity well; objects within the event horizon are drawn inextricably to it.
“Uhhhhhh… The bricks, I guess?”
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.