@bornmiserable

THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW

@bornmiserable

It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.

@bornmiserable

[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough

@bornmiserable

the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym

@bornmiserable

[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality