Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of bornmiserable's best tweets

@bornmiserable : THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have

@bornmiserable: [doctor's office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what's the good news
D: that's for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality

@bornmiserable: [funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse

@bornmiserable: ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

@bornmiserable: Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich

@bornmiserable: KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

@bornmiserable: THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable

@bornmiserable: HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

@bornmiserable: THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening