Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
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Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
When you try jalapeños for the first time
[first day as a tampon designer]
Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
Can’t say anything honest or funny?
Try Facebook.
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first