a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym