THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
Meet Couples Who Stay Together Because They Need Help Holding an Invisible Sandwich
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[being buried alive] you missed a spot
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too