[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
