in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
when dads have a rap battle
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason