COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”